written November 28th, 2016
To the Ex: lt's not that I didn't love you. I did. I loved you with every piece of me that I could give to you at that time. I loved you the only way I knew how to love. And at that time, I didn't know any better. I didn't know there was any other way to love. I thought that the love we had was all there was. " How did we fail when we loved each other so much?" You asked me this once. It's not just your fault you know?... Although, I didn't know it then. What I didn't realize was I could give so much more. I could love so much deeper. What I didn't realize was that I couldn't give to you, what I hadn't yet given to myself. I couldn't give to you what I didn't even know was missing from me. I know me better now. I see it very clearly. I loved you. I still love you, just differently now. I love you for the times we had. I love you for being my greatest lesson. I love you for loving me the best way you knew how. I love you for helping me grow. I love you for being the reason I learned to love myself (even though we didn't know that's what was happening at the time.) I love you for so many reasons. Without our relationship, I may have repeated the same mistakes over and over. Loving you, you loving me, in the only way we knew how to love, unknowingly led me to the path of loving myself. God, it hurt. And that hurt broke me, but it broke me in every way I needed to be broken, so I could be put back together in all the right ways. What I realize is... I'll never take away from what we had for that time. It was real. As real as it could be. But until I became real with myself, love myself, appreciate my journey, embrace my heart ache, my mistakes...my human imperfection, and learn to love Me anyhow...I couldn't truly love myself, and I couldn't love you, in the way you would have needed me to love you in order for us to work. Until I knew what love really was, what it was really made out of, and what I was truly made of, I expected you to take care of me in ways that only I could have taken care of me. And I didn't know why I wasn't being taken care of. I didn't know you didn't have the capacity to be what I wanted or what I thought I needed. I expected you to be something, I now know, you could never have been...not because of me but because of you. And I didn't know that trying to get you to be who you weren't ready to be wasn't fair to you or to me. I didn't have what it took to continue fighting for us. To stay when it continued to get harder. To pray more when it felt more impossible by the day. I didn't have what it took to stand up for myself and to stand strong in my convictions for what I truly deserved because I didn't know what I truly deserved. I expected you to know. I expected you to see that I deserved better than what you gave me. I expected that if I could change for you, make you happy, give you everything I had that you would be capable of doing the same for me in return. That you would see I was worth the love I always dreamt of... Not knowing the love I always dreamt of was already in me. It was me. So I looked to you to validate me. Tell me I was doing a good job. But it never happened. You weren't capable. I was just left depleted. And I hated you for not treating me well. I blamed you for not knowing how to treat me. But really, I blamed myself for not knowing how to treat me. I blamed myself for staying so long. I blamed myself for not seeing my own worth. And now I know, I've always been worth everything. Without having to prove it. I now know, it wasn't just your fault. Through all that we went through, which is just as important, I realized I didn't have what it took to be strong for you, and your brokenness and unhealed areas, because I wasn't strong enough for myself yet. And for that I am sorry. But you know what? That is okay. Why? Because we weren't meant to last. You were meant to prepare me. And I can only hope, that you know, I prepared you too...if you allow it. And perhaps that was the greatest purpose for our coming together. To heal each other and prepare each other. Perhaps, we prepared each other for the one meant to last. We didn't know it then, But I know it now... you were the seeds that were planted in my now beautiful garden. The garden of my strength, my healing, and my undeniable self love. Not to say I won't keep growing. Not to say new lessons won't come about. And not to say new areas that need to heal won't show themselves. But because of us, I learned to do the work. I learned to be strong for myself. And now I have what it takes to be strong for someone else. I learned my value and what I have to offer. I learned what I deserve and I learned to give it to myself first. I learned when it's time to walk away and when it's time to stay. And most importantly, I learned to hold the space for someone else and their broken pieces because I learned to hold the space for my own. And because of this, I will choose the one that is able to hold the space for mine as well. And we will be able to grow together. And the good news is, if you learn from Us, you will do the same. So thank you for the role you played in my life. Thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I love you. And can say goodbye to the past and say hello to the future without fear. Love Always, NElise You see, relationships are always going to teach you something.Some relationships will be life altering. They are created and designed from the heavens to be this way. It is always about healing and growth. When you love someone so much and have a connection so deep with them, you try to love them even through the pain you are feeling. You don't even understand why you can't let go, don't want to let go, even when you have to. Sometimes you won't let go until letting go is the only option left....usually because you've allowed the relationship to get to a place of dislike or worse. In my case, especially, this was a soul mate connection. Soul mates come to be a mirror for you. They come to unveil all of your hidden wounds. They tend to be like you more than you're even willing to admit. But it doesn't have to end badly. If you learn. Learning, healing, and rising is the only thing that makes your heartache worth it. BE Love. Because love is the only thing that heals. Love people for who they were and why you loved them to begin with. Set them free in love and set yourself free to love again, so you can love the one meant to stay.