written February 16th, 2019
Have you ever had such a life altering, mind- blowing, How did I get here, what have I done to my life, kind of experience? An experience that came directly out of left field? A moment in time where you look back and say God did you disappear? Did you miss me? I thought you were with me? Where were you? Because mentally, the experience you landed in seems so UN-believable, that you begin to question your own growth, own journey with God because you landed in this experience while you were WITH God? If you haven't raised your hand yet, I'll raise it for you :) If you haven't gotten there, you will. :) If I had more than two hands I'd raise them all. This is My experience. What I've learned through said experience, which I will reveal momentarily, is that everything I just said, I ACTUALLY said. To God. To myself. To my mother. To my coaches and mentors. And the brilliance that GOD is, came back with my answers to everything I was dying (literally) to understand. And his Wisdom, as always, was so loving, so comforting, & SO SIMPLE. You know what He said. "I AM IN THIS." Simple answer right? Seemingly so simple that every answer I thought I needed was covered under this simple phrase. All my screaming, yelling, crying, righteous indignation, and yes, even pure FURY with God, was slightly dissipated by this answer. Why, I believed God. It was hard to believe Him. To this day, I still have to tell my mind "We believe God." God's shown up in my life too many times for me to do anything but believe Him. Even when I fail myself. I Believe God. And He believes in Me. And yet, sometimes, I'm still mad- especially at myself. But hey, I'm human. And a constant work in progress with God. So what made me so UPSET. Shamed. Resentful. Bitter. Bewildered. Feeling like I fell off the horse, Fell off My God pedestal, fell from my mission and purpose for Being on planet earth when this situation occurred, and never to rise again? My Pregnancy. A pregnancy- which led to the BIRTH of my AMAZING, beautiful, Pure light and Love, God given gift from the heavens- REIGN. I must be Honest, I didn't always think the pregnancy would lead to birth, the struggle of this pregnancy was so devastating that I didn't think she nor I would make it due to manifesting a life threatening medical emergency from the amount of self hatred I internalized after the truth of this love triangle began to unfold. BUT GOD- knew who she was, knew who I was and what I was capable of, but It came with tough choices and ever tougher circumstances. REIGN- A name given by God for what she will do through out her life. Well, why would that seem like such a horrible thing, you must wonder? Without dramatic effect, which I really prefer, to help me even get through the story, I'll just give you the facts. 1.The father of my baby is a married man. 2.I met him on the day she was conceived. 3. He's somewhat of a public figure which just added more drama than I cared to be involved in. Now, the judgements can start flooding in or not. Are you going to hear anything I say after those facts? Does the back story even matter once you hear those facts first? Do a million questions hit the frontal lobe of your mind? That depends on the depth of your evolvement. However, I can say there is beauty on the other side of what I could have NEVER imagined would be my life. WHY I've learned to never judge a persons situation is because I was that judgmental person. Everything you'd want to say off handedly hearing those 3 factors that were just revealed, I have said. I wore the metal of honor for self righteousness in the area of my opinions on cheating men, homewrecking women, and one night stands. I was too "Godly" for that to ever happen to me, or to be me. I was learn-ed and skilled in the area of love and relationships, after all that was my field. And now I'm living it. The very thing I never thought I'd live. I could almost laugh. Somedays I have. And somedays I still cry. It's a fine line between love and hate within my insides some days. But God's grace is sufficient. His love is redemptive. And like He said, " I AM IN THIS" and I didn't really get How much, until he started revealing WHY it all happened. We will get to that in later blogs. I'm a witness that the very things we judge, get self righteous about, stand on our high horse of "that would never be me" is the very thing God can and would use to help break that judgmental spirit of ours. Of MINE to serve a purpose greater than I could have ever seen. I am a witness that when you walk with God, you can still fall, and he will still pick you up, wipe your tears, and say I love you. I am a witness that the very thing you think won't ever be you, be careful, because it can be. But I am an even GREATER witness to GOD'S mysterious ways. What God taught me, is that He NEVER falls asleep. God knows every hair upon our head, knows every step we make or even think of making, and when we are Children of God our footsteps are orchestrated because He knows us IN AND OUT. Our Weakness and our Strengths. God allows what the devil would make for bad, He makes for Good. And sometimes, Like THIS time, He knew, allowed, and permitted this situation to unfold for the highest good of ALL (believe it or not) involved. And he allowed Me, on my God journey, to come into this situation because I would be the one brave enough to choose it, while God strengthened me to have the courage to see it all the way through, strong enough to rise again, and A child of God willing enough to share the story to transform the lives of others who have been here too. The mistress always gets a bad name. But rarely is she understood. She's just labeled. There is so much more than what is seen on the surface. Its soul deep. Not just SO deep. But SOUL deep. Hence why GOD named my next book "Soul of a Mistress- God is in the scandal" And I can guarantee, its not what you think. :) We women, are not all made alike, not all women have the same character or intentions. Not all women chase men. Are gold diggers. Don't care about the other woman involved. Don't care about the children involved. Want to ride the wave of fame and piggy back of the dreams of another. Some women have their own dreams, direction, faith, relationship with God, like me, Love NElise long before a man came walking into my life. But hey, I'm only speaking for myself, and the women who are like me. Those who have eyes to see, ears to hear, and a soul that can discern God's amazingness through my story. Perhaps we Do live in a world were people see in black and white. Perhaps Grey when we've learned to EXPAND a little beyond our initial beliefs & The 10 Commandments . Like the scripture reminds us: "Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone at her. (Aka: me😁) (John 8:7) As I've come to learn, God Sees strictly in full color, and through our toughest, most painful experiences stretches our capacity to see more than ever before. God reveals how colorful life really is & what He sees through circumstances that Look very black and white. Through circumstances where the mind automatically tells us "We have to pick a side." Perhaps we don't. Perhaps we are all human beings with a heart that's desperate for love & needs to learn where love truly stems from (God and ourselves). And lives that need to get in alignment with where God wants us to GROW next so He shakes the foundation. So right in the middle of living, He creates a storm that changes the way life looks forever for the greater good of the children who love Him. God is in the scandal. And in this story, God requires everyone to Grow. This is where the butterfly that was me became the Eagle. And now, It's time to pick up the crown once again, dust of the dirt, and rise from the ashes.