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Dear Lover

Written June 23rd, 2016 Dear Lover, I had a talk with my heart the other night. I told her I'm sorry. I asked her to forgive me for all the choices I made that broke her. I tried to find me through other people and in the process I made all the wrong choices. In fact, I lost me more than I found me. My heart, She tried to warn me but I never listened. Love was what I wanted. It was what I'd find, no matter what. I was a hopeless romantic and fell in love easily. easily as I fell was as easily as I broke. Over and Over. I promised my heart, I'd listen this time. Clearly I wasn't meant to love. She's tried to protect me and now I have to protect her... She clearly knew love was painful. This was her warning all along. "Don't do it." I promised her I wouldn't fall in love, certainly not easily, but maybe never again. Anytime love came around, I turned it down. I was guarded, cautious, and suspicious. I didn't trust love or myself...and certainly not you. The one thing I loved the most, hurt me the most. Love. It's not what everyone says it is. I've chosen to stay loveless but at least I'm not heartbroken... Or was I? Maybe I was wrong again... Maybe I'm heartbroken either way...loving and not loving... Dear Lover, I fell apart one night... I fell on my knees and cried. I asked my heart, what she wanted from me? What did she want me to see?... So, I had this talk with my heart... I told her I'm sorry. I asked her to forgive me for all the choices I made that broke her. She finally spoke back to me... She replied: "Darling, you are enough... The love you seek begins and ends with you. I didn't protect you from them, I didn't protect you from love. I protected you from you. I guarded you, covered you, & protected you, from you, until you could find yourself. Until you realized you are enough and I know what I'm doing." Dear Lover, that night changed my life. That night I decided to try falling in love one more time. That night I decided to be brave. I decided to fall in love with myself. I decided to date me. I decided to fall in love with places I'd never been, explore places I've never seen. I walked on the beach alone. I climbed the highest mountain I could find. I reflected. I meditated. I decided to reach into the depths of my soul and do the work. I decided to heal my broken heart. I decided to transform my broken ideas and thoughts. I laughed a million times and cried a million more. I learned to laugh at myself, have a sense of humor, and not take things so seriously or personally. I took adventures. I got lost and didn't panic. GPS helped me get back to where I was supposed to be. I read new books. I studied. God, did I study. I learned that I hungered for knowledge. I loved all things spiritual. I loved science. I loved classic literature. I loved writing, studying, and teaching. I learned that I love high heels and dressing up, even with no place to go because it's how I feel my best. I learned that I like sneakers, yoga pants, and sweatshirt hoodies. I learned that either way I'm beautiful. I learned that it's okay to dance in your underwear and sing karaoke as loud as humanly possible. I learned to walk around naked and love the body that I never cared much for. I also learned that I liked to workout, not just because I look better naked but because I like feeling strong. I learned that I love red wine and Mexican food. I learned they don't go well together. I learned that anyone can give me a reason to smile but I'm the only one who can keep it. I learned that regardless of what anyone believes about me, what I believe about me is all that matters. I learned that I'm not perfect but I'm perfect for someone and I'm perfectly happy with who I am. I realized because of my heartbreaks I'm stronger than I thought and I'm proud of me. Dear Lover, it was a process but I took care of me and my heart in the way I always wanted someone like you to. The way I thought others were suppose to. I finally did it. I did it for me. I am totally and completely in love with myself. Finally I can look in the mirror and love what I see. With or without you. With or without anyone else. I know what I deserve and by learning this I learned what I could give back to you. I realized I couldn't give to you what I didn't have for myself. Real Love. And Now I can. My heart wasn't trying to protect me from Love. But she did protect me from continuing down the same road of heartbreak until I could learn the real lesson...the real lesson is that Love begins with me. If I love me, I won't need you to love me. I will just want you to. And today, Lover, when I saw you... that hopeless romantic that is me, the one who falls in love easily...she did it again. She fell in love, for real...with you. However, I did tell my heart that I'd listen to her once again before I told you... I asked her what did she want me to see? She told me that for you, she promised to forget all her fears...I was ready.

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